This summary for the Wildcard Game was written by TheOneAndOnlyAtesh and looks a little bit different from the normal fare. Many thanks for volunteering to put this report together! 
"Greetings, viewers! We are back, one hour earlier than usual at Guatem-AI-la for the WILDCARD SHOW! For newer fans, the Wildcard contestants have ONE FINAL CHANCE to remain in Season 9 of AI Survivor! There are still two playoff positions at large, and out of these ELEVEN contestants, only the top two will advance! The winner will join Gandhi and co in Playoff 3, while the runner up will get to partake in the English Queen Pot Roast that is Playoff 2!"
"Gee, Bob, good thing Cathy in the final opening game decided to banish Winnie from all time and space so we did not have to split the Wildcard. Those two Runner Up ceremonies were some of the saddest award ceremonies I have ever seen."
"Joe, I'll never be able to get that image of Zara sobbing angrily and then smashing his Runner Up trophy out of my mind."
"Speaking of raging, one additional treat for you viewers: these poor souls will be subject to the full brunt of the RAGING BARBARIANS! We've seen many a hopeful, babyfaced Wildcarder thrown to the wolves, only to get absolutely ripped apart by roves of bandits waving black skull flags! And with eleven guys shunted into this gigantic map, there's a heck of a lot of space for these guys."
"Meanwhile, we've got quite the mix of good and evil here. The first few games sent a lot of those high and mighty types, but the later ones really spiced some things up! From the FIRST game, it is... HATSHEPSUT! She got a tad too reliant on War Chariots in the season opener, but they in theory should be an asset here. If she can overcome her nearby fanatic neighbors, that nice Nile river to her north should help her a lot. Perhaps she can at last break the only curse stronger than Mike's!"
"Making it from the SECOND game, we have... HONEST ABE! Unfortunately for this guy, there's no Joao Joao to play hide-and-seek in a corner with, because here he's in a central and exposed position near the southwestern part of the map. If he can avoid any jungle disasters, he should have some potential though, as he might be one of the best economic leaders on the right side of the peaceweight balance here."
"Ehh, looking at these high peaceweights, this so-called 'balance' seems to be an illusion, Bob. From the THIRD game, there is... SITTING BULL, the stalwart Sioux who had nearly swiped second place from Sury against all odds. Also known as Sitting Duck, or Standing Bull depending on the context."
"This looks like a potential Standing Bull, Joe. Sheltered corner, immediately improvable wet wheat, lots of flood plains and rivers, friendly neighbors to his south, it might just be the best spot on the map. While his hunting dogs are often liabilities, here in Raging Barb settings having resourceless Axemen available might be an asset!"
"We'll see if the light-green bordered set of raging barbarians poses a problem or not. Meanwhile, we have TWO representatives from the FOURTH game! First, there is DARIUS, who was oh SO CLOSE to returning to the playoffs, only to lose in HEARTBREAKING fashion to Ramesses despite a stellar teching performance! I don't think his southwest corner here is nearly as rich as the one he had in his Opening Round, and the Incas are not exactly the easiest breakout opportunity."
"Also coming from Game 4 is... FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT! A proud member of the 'Do-Nothing' party, this guy, holding white borders to contrast with fellow American Lincoln's blue, is sure gonna have his hands full with the Japanese menace to his east."
"Speaking of which, from Game 5 is... TOKUGAWA! I can hear the crowd booing him already Bob, as over in his southeast slice I can already see the Japanese erecting massive KEEP OUT, NO DOGS ALLOWED, and TRESPASSERS WILL BE BEHEADED ON SIGHT signs in his territory. Even my crazy uncle Jeremy was not this curmudgeonly!"
"You'd think fighting off three enemies at once would win Toku some ardent fans, but I guess not here. Anyways, he does have a coastal start and that, alongside his strong military traits, should be an advantage for him. However, Game 5 shockingly gave us the most Wildcard players! And the crowd reception here is quite different, Joe, as longtime AI Survivor titan HUAYNA CAPAC is rolling in, looking as fashionable and cool as usual with his army of Quechihuahuas at his beck and call! While Huayna has had a long cold streak that began with a disappointing effort in the Season 6 Finals, what he did from a horrible starting position in Game 5 reminded us that we can never count him out!"
"I gotta say, his land looks quite good here, and if he can overcome his sketchy local diplomacy he sure is going to be a massive favorite. Wait, Bob, is there a dog show going on here? What is that golden retriever doing on the field? Is security doing its job?"
"No, I don't have that anywhere on my broadcast notes, but... holy moly, Joe, the high and low peaceweights are bringing out their mascots to join this game! First, is the high peaceweight mascot, FREDO! What an adorable looking bundle of fur!"
"Did they REALLY have to bring that dog in? Toku should have put him down in the Opening Round."
"Fredo is cute, but nothing will compare to the low peaceweight mascot. You can absolutely hear the crowd roaring here, for fan and home favorite MONTY THE PITBULL, who had nearly maimed Gandhi in Game 6 is also joining this game!"
"This feels like animal abuse, Bob. Monty is RIGHT NEXT to Fredo and I can already see him foaming at the mouth, growling at poor Fredo, who is already shivering and whimpering with his tail tucked between his legs."
"Those poor piggies, I feel so bad for them. And Monty has THREE groups of them to feast on.
"Combined with capital Ivory, and I gotta say the pitbull could definitely rip his way through this field.
"Rounding out the field are two highly fanatical leaders from Game 7 - a must watch, I gotta say - who each fill the Eastern coast of the map! Both leaders were lucky to even make it here, but don't let that alter your judgement, as both of these leaders have been formidable players, especially Justinian."
"Justin certainly needs to rebound from that game, where he nearly died to a culture flip. Indeed, right after that performance, the Byzantines had fired their head coach Julian, who had inexplicably steered them towards a non-religious strategy in the opener that was completely antithetical to the traditional Byzantine Strategy. While they have quite the offseason search for their next head coach, for now they managed to pull legendary head coach CONSTANTINE I out of retirement!"
"That was the talk of the sports world for an entire week, Joe, and for good reason. The man who helped steer them through their incredible early streak which included winning the first season championship and also nearly winning the third. We remember him resigning in protest when the Apostolic Palace was removed, but I guess retirement has mellowed him out as Constantine is back as a crucial stabilizing force for the Byzantines! For this game, he has Justinian adorned in the royal purple so associated with the Romans, reminding the down-on-his-luck legend of his past glories!"
"I have no idea what they were thinking with that Julian hire, Bob. They had to know that guy hated Christianity, right?"
"We'll see if Justinian can get back to basics. Anyways, let's pan to Dianna to see what the community at large is thinking."
"Thanks, Joe. Amidst so many potential choices to win, the community, still holding strong at 319 predictions, overall has gone chalk, picking for the top two spots the consensus two strongest leaders in the map, Huayna and Justin. Mike at AI-BC Sports has also gone with that 1-2 ticket, and while whispers of Mike's curse have died down a bit as of late, the crowd was not exactly pleased with this. Huayna in particular is a massive favorite for the top spot, with over 51% of the winner votes, while Justin only had a comfortable plurality as there were a variety of differing opinions on second place. First To Die is all over the place, with five leaders getting relevant support; the four centrally located high peaceweights, alongside Monty."
"Thank you Dianna. Finally, here is our Fantasy overview. This is probably the most crucial game of the season for Fantasy purposes, as it not only will determine who still has a shot but also if there even is a contest for the overall Fantasy title. ABC170, the current leader, has a whopping THREE leaders in this game - that being all three East coast leaders - and any positive outcome for them is almost certain to slam the door shut for this season's Fantasy. With that said, Vincarius has also had a strong season and is nipping at ABC's heels. He'll need Monty the Pitbull to nip at a lot of heels to claim the lead for himself."
"However, these two would not be too unhappy if things don't go their way, as they already have high scores alongside three leaders in the playoffs ready to score even more points. Sadly, every other fantasy contestant in this game is fighting for their very survival. After barely missing out on a win for Darius, Lobster667 badly needs him to win to have a shot, as her two queens in the playoffs are stuck in unfavorable diplomatic situations. While LinkMarioSamus rebounded nicely from a catastrophic Game 2 with Gilgamesh's impressive victory, Sitting Bull and Lincoln absolutely cannot fail him in this game. Things are even more dire for Kjotleik and Maniamuse though! Mania only has Ramesses in the playoffs, and a second place for Hatty will not cut it here; she needs a win and some kills. Kjotleik, meanwhile, needs his large Huayna bid and an FDR gamble to have the slightest hope to defend his throne, although with just four points in a disastrous Opening Round it may already be too late for him."
"Before we go into the break, we ask viewers to ponder these questions. First, with four leaders who start with Mysticism, alongside Hatty who also has a heavy religious emphasis, how will religious diplomacy shape this game? Secondly, with multiple leaders, particularly Huayna, having access to Stone, alongside Fredo who for whatever reason loves to search for Masonry tiles to relieve himself in, who will secure The Great Wall for Raging Barb protection, and will it be too late by then? Finally, who really has the best land, and does it matter more to have the best land or to border the weakest targets? This is Joe and Bob at AI-SPN, and we will be back after the commercial break!"
(Playoff 1 Trailer)
"This is Joe and Bob at AI-SPN, and we are back in the Wildcard! And WOW, is Constantine making a statement. There will be no secular nonsense for Justinian, as the Byzantines are going Meditation COMPLETELY UNCONTESTED and will found Christianity!"
"It's such a relief for his large fanbase that he's not doing anything unorthodox, Bob. Meanwhile, Huayna and Saladin race for the Polytheism religions."
"Oof, that is REALLY bad for the Arabs. With their slow jungle start with zero instantly workable commerce they needed to go Fishing or Agriculture, and Huayna is definitely going to beat them to religion. That's tons of research wasted, especially with how inherently slower the large map is making the tech pace."
"Even the pitbull has found some reasons, prioritizing his triple pigs over religious nonsense."
"Did you see Hatshepsut? She's also going for a religion that she won't get!"
"Oh no! This does not portend much hope for her to finally score her first AI Survivor points."
"Real Poverty Point Alert! Boston is NOT at all a pretty city for the time being."
"I know, that's straight to the jungle and possibly one tile away from a terrible bout of Hannibalization. Speaking of Poverty Point, check out the second city from the Sioux!"
"Now THAT'S a rich second city. The complete opposite of a Poverty Point for sure. It is purely flood plains admittedly, but it will certainly scale well long term. Notably, Joe, it's already within barking distance of Monty, and for sure the Sioux are going to have their hands full with a VERY angry pitbull sooner rather than later. At least he's going early Archery, which is a good thing with Raging Barbarians."
"Overall though, most of the 2nd cities are pretty good. Justin's was real bad too, but he didn't really have anywhere better to choose and I liked that he is settling towards the Nile region. However, I really like Huayna's, Bob, it's on a plains hill and a great river to spread his religion, which is officially confirmed to be Confucianism!"
"And... HERE COMES THE BARBARIANS. Turn 15, and they already are ravaging borders and pillaging resources. It's sure gonna be a black flag rager."
"Hatty is following her failed religion bid with a Pottery research! Not the right move... she needs Animal Husbandry ASAP."
"Meanwhile, the three eastern leaders have or are working on connecting their seafood resources, and that HAS to be a good thing as the barbs can't exactly pillage those resources! It will take a long while for Galleys to show up."
"Brief scare for Midwestern US supporters, as over on Mike's broadcast people thought Lincoln's third settler was murdered. Thankfully, it has been found safe and sound and Atlanta was founded. With him going early Archery, rest assured his position is a little safer. Having Archery is so important - otherwise all the AI have is their four starting Archers, and everyone knows a bunch of shirtless grunts carrying big clubs don't exactly offer much protection from Raging Barbs."
"You know Joe, I wonder if Lincoln's central positioning might be better for him when it comes to the barbs. It's like the surrounding leaders provide some fogbusting value, or at least can attract the barbs towards them. Not to mention, he does not have any flanks exposed to the tundra and the tundra has often been one of the worst barbarian factories in any game."
"Gotta say, love Sitting Bull's start. LOVE it. And I'm noticing, he's maybe the one leader not getting destroyed by barbarians. He's loo-"
"OH MY GOD JOE! THEBES! NOT THEBES! HATTY'S CAPITAL! IT HAS BEEN CAPTURED BY THE BARBARIANS!!!!" 
"HATTY! NO! HOW IS SHE SO CURSED!"
"Usually, this is kinda bad luck, but wow, Hatty only has herself to blame, having moved her best Archer out of her capital! And then instead of even try to retake it, her Archer runs away from the action like a total coward. 30 turns in, and it's safe to say her scoreless streak will likely continue."
"And with that, Justin's stock has risen exponentially. With Adrianople settled in the crucial mouth of the Nile, a double seafood spot, he should essentially have the entire Northeast to himself."
"In other news, over in the West Lincoln comes scarily close to losing Boston to the barbs, but he manages to promote his defending Archer to City Garrison II and Boston holds. I gotta say, a somewhat disappointing opening from Huayna, would you say, Joe?"
"Agreed, Bob, Huayna's Quechihuahuas, while in theory being barbarian busters, have not done a particularly excellent job, and barbs are frolicking freely in his territory - AND HE LOSES HIS THIRD CITY SETTLER TO THE BARBARIANS! Looks like Mike's curse is back in full force."
"He is going Masonry though, so he should have the inside track to The Great Wall. And boy does he need it."
"Ha, Bob, look at Damascus. It CAN ONLY WORK ONE JUNGLE TILE. Talk about a Real Poverty Point!"
"Saladin is extremely lucky he had some real second city places. I cannot say he's looking great now, but he also has a chance to benefit from Hatty's implosion and his land will scale long term. I can't say he will be making much noise for a long time."
"ANOTHER barbarian domino falls! PHILADELPHIA has been captured by the Barbarian State, and it's truly a day of infamy for the much maligned FDR! He's lucky he founded Chicago earlier, because he would have only had one city left. Now all the Eastern civs are looking real good."
"Especially considering that MEHMPHIS has also fallen to the barbs! HATTY ONLY HAS ONE CITY LEFT AND MAY ACTUALLY DIE TO THE BARBARIANS."
"The Egyptians don't even have HUNTING left. Oh no. The Apostalic Palace, defunct since Season 5, still outscores her; will the BARBARIANS do the same?"
"Well, fifty turns have passed, it's time for the overview. Dianna?"
"Thanks, Joe. So, over in the Southwest, it's been relatively quiet despite Huayna losing a Settler. It doesn't seem to have affected him too much, and his supporters are still quite loud, especially as he has hooked up his Stone, which when combined with Industrious, should mean a VERY quick Great Wall. Lincoln has been a bit hit by barbs, but relatively speaking he should be in ok shape. I have no idea what Darius is doing, and I don't think Darius knows either. Over in the Northwest, many pundits have been singing Sitting Bull's praises, and I gotta say he's the first leader to essentially clean his territory of barbarians, and his pack of hunting dogs that he did not need to connect Copper to build have helped immensely, and he will need them against the Aztec pitbull already trying to break through his fence. The story of the Northeast has been an Egyptian disaster, and Justin is quickly taking advantage and getting ready to seize the entire Nile for himself. If he gets those Egyptian cities for free - and the barbs are closing in on Hatty's final city, which currently has two Warriors defending it - the game might already be over. With that said, Fredo for once is actually looking ok, as the golden retriever has already managed to mark four spots as his territory! Some have thought his high production capital and militaristic tech preferences would help him here, and they have generally been proven correct. The Southeast is somewhat a mirror of the Northeast, with a similarly imploding high peaceweight and two leaders in Saladin and Tokugawa who are well positioned to benefit. They have been quite a bit slower than the Northeastern leaders, however, with Toku especially being very slow to his third city. The real story, however, is with the barbarians, who currently have NINE cities, which is more than double the amount of any other leader."
"Man, I really need a break."
(Trailer for the movie "Hannibal Lector In The Jungle")
"This is Joe and Bob at AI-SPN!
"Back from the commercial break, and all eyes are on Hatty's desperate last stand against the Barbarian State. For some reason no one can discern, her City Garrison II Archer is outside of her borders while she tries to hold Heliopolis with just Warriors. Luckily, she gets the Archer in and the Egyptian Civilization is still hanging by a thread."
"Over in Inca, the crowd has begun booing upon seeing Cuzco queue the Temple of Artemis. His Stone got pillaged, yes, but that's all the more reason to prioritize The Great Wall! Lincoln has now shoved Seattle only four tiles from the Confucian Holy City, and let's just say Huayna's micro has led to a rather soft opening."
"Meanwhile, we have breaking news in the East: TOKUGAWA HAS SEIZED PHILADELPHIA FOR HIMSELF."
"JUST like that, Bob, the Japanese have established themselves as a contender. The Japanese city of Philadelphia, you don't hear that too often, do you?"
"I know, our cameraman Mahatma has panned to Toku and you can see him calmly meditating on his porch while some very angry Philadelphians throw batteries and snowballs at him."
"It's not stopping Toku, however. He is sending what will be his fifth city, including Philadelphia, straight up Roosevelt's gut."
"He's going completely past that gold region, just straight in Roosevelt's face! Despite Hatty's terrible opening, FDR has to be the favorite for First To Die at this point. Satsuma was right where FDR's Copper was supposed to be. I'm sneakily liking Toku's start, he just needs to watch his economy, he is dangerously close to crashing it."
"Also, Saladin's early Polytheism turned out to not be a total waste, as he had the inside track to Monotheism and has founded Islam!"
"Hmm, some competition for Justinian certainly. The two need to get to Theology to remain friends here. I don't know if this was the right move for Sal, Joe. He sorely needs Iron Working, the religion can wait."
"Look, after the raging twitter campaign #LetFredoCook, a bunch of volunteers are heading towards Germany to build The Great Wall for the golden retriever! Huayna needs to wake up NOW. Quechihuahuas won't help him forever."
"Uh oh, Fredo's helpers are eight turns away! Huayna WILL get the tiebreaker. The crowd is anxiously waiting, for now Huayna has queued up a seven turn Great Wall."
"Bob, it's going to depend on who gets pillaged the most!"
"OR A PERFECTLY TIMED WHIP! HUAYNA GETS HIS QUECHIHUAHUAS TO WORK, AND LIKE A WELL OILED MACHINE OF OOMPA LOOMPAS, THE GREAT WALL IS HUAYNA'S!"
"Well, the crowd is back for sure!"
"But Huayna isn't yet, Joe. Don't be deceived by his high score - he only has three cities. Many of his rivals already have 5-6 and counting. Lincoln to his north is quite robust too. Large maps are not the places to play Tall in, he cannot hope to skate by with just wonders and religion here. Making matters worse, he's just wandering two settlers around for no reason at all. Maybe that barb city Circassian is messing up his pathfinding?"
"Speaking of going Tall, it looks like Hatty is going to hold. She's five turns from Archery - Turn 75 is too little, too late, but still - and she has enough units to probably hold off the barbarians."
"Joe, check out the Sioux capital! Were those Gems at the start?"
"Bob, they were not! I think the Native Americans just somehow popped the best early game resource in the game."
"Just got a report from the Southwest - Darius foolishly sent an unescorted Settler to found a city, only for that city to promptly get razed by the barbs."
"Just Darius doing Darius things."
"In more consequential news, the first war has broken out - Monty the Pitbull has broken free of his restraints, gunning for Poverty Point! I don't think that army will cut it though, it's all bark and no bite."
"You know, Monty was looking so strong to start, only for him to essentially stop marking his territory with four spots to try and maul Sitting Bull. I don't think attacking the current strongest leader on the map will do anything. It certainly brings the Sioux down a peg."
"In other news, Tokugawa wins the 'most oddly shaped empire ever seen in AI Survivor' after capturing Saxon in the jungle. If he can manage it economically, he's going to be a real player, his game reminds me a lot of Vicky in Game 2, where she also made a lot of bizarre treks across the desert for territory and ended up winning."
"He has eight cities! That's the most of any leader so far. But if you look at GNP, Bob, he's dipped below the cameraman's Observer economy. He will need to fix things real quickly."
"He's building a lot of metal units, his best bet would be to knock out FDR as soon as possible."
"Also, the failed effort to find a secure home for Fredo through the Great Wall has greatly wrecked his game, which is fast becoming free advertising for dog rescue shelters. His land is being stomped all over by barbarians, and one of the signposts he marked his territory on was autorazed! Naturally, Constantine has got Justin and their Byzantine Boys in tip top shape in just the span of two weeks, immediately sending a settling party to take that land for themselves!"
"Great timing for a commercial break, let's use this opportunity to showcase our sponsor, Prussian Dog Rescue Services! This is Joe and Bob at AI-SPN!"
(Sad music with a very sad looking Fredo. Can someone adopt him and forever ensure he does not have to be cruelly subject to AI Survivor?)
"During the commercial break, we had quite a few momentous events go on. First, the sleeping Inca Giant has officially woken up. First, he claimed the faraway barb city of Cuman, and then he settled right on the site where the Persian city ruins were located, swiping it away from Darius' attempt to resettle that region."
"That all but eliminates Darius as a contender, Bob."
"For sure. To go from being two turns from the playoffs to this is quite the fall. And now that Huayna has exhausted all the possible wonders he could build - taking the Oracle, Temple of Artemis, and the Pyramids for himself - he is back to expansion, and he is certainly one of the top contenders with the win with Sitting Bull having his hands full warding off a rabid pitbull. Those two barb cities to his Southwest should pretty easily be his in the future as well."
"Elsewhere, look at Fredo go! The doggo somehow barked at the barbarians holding the former Egyptian city of Memphis, and somehow, Memphis is under his jurisdiction! But in his haste to mandate daily belly rubs, he immediately loses it back to the barbs."
"JUST when the organizers were about to put a real man in the retriever's place, he bumbles away an opportunity like that. AND HE DIDN'T JUST LOSE MEMPHIS. THE ESSEN SIGNPOST ALSO GOT AUTORAZED!"
"You know, instead of sending volunteers to build the Great Wall for Fredo, they should have gone for some good ol' fashioned whips. Without that, and Fredo's game has gone from promising to an abject disaster."
"Heh, check out Circassian. Its borders expanded!"
"You know it's bad when the barbs have Mysticism before you do."
"Hey look, Sitting Bull easily wards off the Pitbull! I don't think ramming Axes against Totem Pole Protective Archers and Dog Soldiers behind city walls was the move."
"The Sioux did a better job against his raging barbarian enemy than most of these leaders have done against theirs, for sure."
"And look, the Byzantines have seized Thebes! Constantine and Justinian are bumping chests. He should easily be able to get Memphis and take complete control of this game. He's also the tech leader!"
"Hatty's building a Settler, will she finally break out of her cocoon?"
"At this point, not dying to the barbs was probably her first career AI Survivor win."
"But the barbs are not done yet. ST. LOUIS HAS FALLEN TO THE BARBARIANS!"
"Did FDR even show up to this game, Joe? Well, that's that, I can see the coastal Americans already walking out of the stadium in droves, save for a few weeboos who are strangely ecstatic at the thought of their territory eventually becoming part of Tokugawa's lands. The citizens of New York and Chicago better start catching up on their Japanese!"
"Well, he did get St. Louis back. The sunset of the Barbarian Era is certainly upon us now, Bob."
"Gotta say, this has been a VERY eventful first 100 turns!"
"In other news, some religious dominoes are starting to fall. Lincoln has converted to Huayna's Confucianism, while Saladin has been doing a better job of spreading his Eastern faith as compared to Justin, with Toku and FDR both embracing Islam."
"Excellent, some future conquests for Justin."
"Toku needs to start plotting on FDR, before someone like Huayna scoops all that up."
"Speaking of which, Huayna IS plotting! I can hear the crowd chanting 'GO KILL ROOSEVELT! GO KILL ROOSEVELT!'"
"NO HUAYNA! THAT'S THE WRONG AMERICAN!"
"Lincoln was maybe the worst possible target, Joe. He has seven cities in his mainland, metal units, and he just recently captured one of the barb cities behind Huayna's territory!"
"Couldn't agree more Bob. He was looking so strong, but this could easily drag him back down to the pack. This is it though - he needs a successful conquest or he's going to let a lot of folks, including Mike, down."
"Just look at the power graphs. Lincoln is equal, while Huayna was WAY ahead of Roosevelt!"
"That's also a potential religious ally. I don't think Huayna has any friends here anymore."
"Over in the North, we got some dog on dog action! It's a pitbull going up against a golden retriever, and the pitbull looks mighty angry!"
"Well Bob, Monty was also pretty seriously mangled by his ill-fated war against the Sioux and their hunting dogs. Don't think this fight against Fredo really means much."
"Yeah, instead of a dogfight it's just incessant barking. Reminds me of when my ol' Bucky and my neighbor's dog go at it every time they pass each other."
"In more important news, HATTY HAS FINALLY STOPPED PLAYING THE ONE CITY CHALLENGE! She founded Elephantine on Justin's borders. She's not completely out of the woods yet, as Justin could decide to end her existence at any point, but she has wisely converted to Christianity and in time she could get Justin to Pleased and secure long term safety."
"Justin has to be the front runner now, Joe. I can see him setting up a Christian-based animal rescue shelter and it seems like when they need a break in their little barkfest, Monty and Fredo visit the shelter once in a while for some treats and belly rubs. Sitting Bull has also converted to Christianity, presumably impressed by the shelter. I believe it's time for the commercial break. This is Joe and Bob at AI-SPN!"
(Struggling with a Rifling allergy? Call 1-800-RIFLING for guidance and counseling!)
"We are back from the commercial break to bring some major news: HATSHEPSUT TAKES MEMPHIS BACK. This is not a drill. The Egyptian Empire is reforming!"
"Wow, Justin had some Swords right there. That is huge, Justin was this close from becoming an unstoppable runaway - but it could be a moot point if Justin just decides to mercy kill her."
"But no! Justin LIBERATES THEBES TO THE EGYPTIANS! She has more cities than FDR now! Are we seeing... a love story bloom in our eyes, Joe?"
"Wow, Justin and Hatty are off on a romantic stroll on the beaches of Adrianople, blissfully unaware of what is going on in the rest of the world. Coach Constantine is shaking his head, looking like a very disappointed father, as Justin has seemingly abandoned all thought and reason for his newfangled love affair with the Egyptian pharaoh! Bob, Theodora cannot be too happy about this, can she?"
"Hey look, Fredo and Monty got tired of their little scuffle and have slinked back to their doghouses. However, regarding the Huayna-Lincoln war, I think we may have spoken too soon. Huayna has Catapults now, and Seattle is EXTREMELY poorly defended! We are about to see the first true city capture!"
"Speaking of which, the Bull is Standing up! He is back with a vengeance, ready to put down Monty the Pitbull!"
"Wow, Monty is not long for this world. If the Sioux can absorb that territory, they will also firmly establish themselves as
"And Bob, Seattle falls to the Incas! What a monumental blow for Lincoln, who has absolutely fumbled his war effort. Despite being equal in tech and size, he somehow looks like he's about to get totally run over, and that will be game over for the rest of the field."
"And Huayna definitely needs some additional territory. He only has his Confucianism, as other leaders have been taking the other religions - Justin just founded the Code of Laws religion in the Arctic, while the Japanese founded Taoism in Philadelphia.
"Tokugawa founded Taoism in the Japanese city of Philadelphia. Now that's a sentence that has never been spoken before!"
He's very unlikely to go for a Cultural victory -"
"Which, Joe, is a good thing on this map."
"Definitely. But with his situation he doesn't have the cultural ace up his sleeve, and with his local diplomacy he needs to win through the sword."
"You know, with Seattle falling, Huayna's job just got a lot easier. Lincoln and Roosevelt were engaging in some intrastate trade, with the coastal Americans sending Horses in exchange for the Midwestern American's Iron. When Seattle fell, the trade somehow still remained, which means... LINCOLN CURRENTLY LACKS IRON. This means, the best units Lincoln can build are Axes, and with Huayna about to reach Medieval military tech this poses extremely bad news for the Midwestern Americans."
"AND A STRAY INCAN CHARIOT ALSO SEIZES HOUSTON!"
"Lincoln should be able to take it back, that's just one injured Chariot."
"NO, LINCOLN, YOU COWARD! Houston, we have a problem. Lincoln has, in the face of a half-broken Chariot, fled from the action, in a clip that will be played on blooper reels for the remainder of human history. Lincoln might be one of the worst fighters in the entire competition."
"Huayna is now closing in on the American capital, and it looks like it's going to fall!"
"Not quite, that stack has too many Chariots and Catapults and not enough real attackers. Huayna will have to consolidate.
"And as Lincoln slowly collapses, Sitting Bull clears part of his border of all traces of Aztec pitbull and is closing in on Monty's favorite doghouse of Tenochtitlan. This is a PIVOTAL battle Joe, what will happen?"
"And Monty manages to barely ward off the initial attack! He survives... for now."
"This game is turning into a gold mine for bloopers. Over in the Northeast Justin, clearly distracted by his newfound love affair with Hatshepsut, at last generated a Great Prophet for his Christian shrine that was sure to net at least 20 GPT. Except, he settles it in his BUDDHIST HOLY CITY, a random Arctic iceball!"
"Oh my god, it's a disastrous series of events for the Byzantines! Bob, SALADIN HAS DECLARED WAR ON JUSTINIAN!"
"Oh no, Justin needs to stop playing loverboy and get back to this game. With the Arab war declaration, his coach calls a timeout, and Constantine is absolutely CHEWING out Justinian on the sidelines."
"And deservedly so. Seems like a good time for a commercial break. This is Joe and Bob at AI-SPN!"
(60 Minutes Interview with Elizabeth, S8 Champion trailer)
"As it turns out, Bob, it's not all bad for Justin. This was in actuality a terrible war declaration from Saladin, who had already started so slowly that he was close to fading into irrelevance. He had been completely outexpanded by Toku and Justin, and this is really just a desperate suicidal attack. If anything, this attack is good for Justin, who should sooner rather than later absorb the Arabs and most likely ensure a top two spot."
"Indeed, Saladin attempted to fight a random faraway barb city Justin had captured, and that attack got obliterated. Byzantine retribution is going to come sooner rather than later."
"In other news, Tokugawa decides to, at last, pick off the sitting duck FDR!"
"Just sheer brute force. He did not even bother to reinforce his stack with Catapults, and the Japanese immediately barged their way through New York City."
"Oh, by the way, Darius piled onto Monty."
"Wait, Joe, Darius is in this game?"
"I know, I almost forgot about him myself, he had spent the entire first 150 turns twiddling his thumbs in his corner."
"One swordsman, one axeman, four immortals."
"He's about as useful as Fredo, but with maybe 1000x less cuteness."
"It looks like a three way race for First To Die between Monty, Lincoln - who just lost Atlanta - and FDR at this point."
"Four way, Bob. Justin has a massive army in Arabia now, and he's going to pretty easily run over Saladin.
"He finally gets the Christian shrine he could have had."
"Tlatelolco falls to the Sioux as well, and Huayna and Sitting Bull are clearly the two contenders in the West."
"The East is consolidating too., and with him taking down Saladin and Toku taking FDR, I think it's safe to say the top two will be two of Huayna, Sitting Bull, Justin, and Toku."
"Advantage Monty for First To Die, as Fredo has also joined in on the pitbull hunting party."
"Especially considering Lincoln, for all his military failures, has taken both of those barb cities that should have been Huayna's! And his offensive has completely stalled out! Lincoln RETAKES HOUSTON."
"Huayna, why is your entire army trying to kill a random barb city? GO AFTER LINCOLN!"
"Lincoln retakes Atlanta too! What a monumental flub from the Incas. If he doesn't get it together, he's going to be behind all three of Sitting Bull, Toku, and Justin. That's a dangerous place to be in, as Huayna's only religious ally is Sitting Bull - who had converted to Confucianism a while ago - and Sitting Bull cares little about religion."
"I don't know about Toku. He inexplicably peaces out with FDR, who handed over Baltimore for peace too! How was he able to get out of this war? Toku should have easily won– oh, wait, he immediately turns to Saladin!"
"Wow! Joe, that's quite the savvy move from Toku. With FDR already sufficiently crippled, he peaced out and decided to pile onto the even more screwed Arabians!"
"Well, I think this turn of events seals it - Sitting Bull has finally gotten a good killshot on Monty, and he easily runs over the remainder of Aztec territory, his two faithful companions putting in enough work to slow down the pitbull. With that, Monty is First To Die on Turn 187!"
"That is shockingly late considering everything that happened, Joe."
"Certainly, at one point I thought Hatty would die Turn 50 to the barbarians."
"Saladin quickly falls afterwards, with Justin netting the last kill. Constantine looks a lot happier now, and Justin is free to continue frolicking with his Egyptian beloved."
"Good riddance, the Arabs just totally failed to show up for this game. Coach Harun al-Rashid's job status has to be uncertain, as he is quickly losing the goodwill he got from the Arabs strong Season 7 run."
"Joe, what do you think is going on with Huayna?"
"What I'm noticing is a lot of pathfinding issues. Remember those two random cities Lincoln had somehow captured behind Inca backlines? Well, Huayna seems to have some difficulties deciding where he wants to send his stack, often shuffling back and forth between locations."
"You can really sense the fan's frustration with this."
"Yeah, it has not been good for home teams. Huayna is quickly falling behind Sitting Bull in tech, and you know they are going to eventually have a showdown."
"And Justin, who just won Liberalism, using it to slingshot Nationalism which should give him the inside track to the Taj Golden Age."
"Huayna manages to seize those two cities, and should now be able to fully focus on the Midwestern mainland, but –"
"Huayna, WHY? Why would you peace out? You were on the cusp of victory!"
"Humongous blunder. The boo birds are out in full force now."
"With that, the world is at peace."
"Gee, those purple Cataphracts are absolute beauties. Good time for a commercial break?"
(Trailer for the NBA finals)
"Unsurprisingly, during the break Toku came back to finish off FDR."
"Taking out the chaff. Classic. You know, if the Americans did not focus so much on football, maybe they'd be able to pump out some better AI Survivor teams."
"Well, Huayna is not completely out of it yet, going to pick off the Persians now."
"Should be simple, Darius has been AFK since Monty's death."
"Pasargadae falls easily, while Toku further rips two cities from FDR."
"Bob, there are winners and there are losers, and the winners are playing like winners. Justin marches his massive army to do what Huayna should have done long ago, and end Lincoln's season!"
"The real winner is looking like Sitting Bull, who has just leveraged two empires of territory in a golden age to BEELINE ASSEMBLY LINE in a whopping THREE TURNS. Yes, this is a Turn 226 Assembly Line. Standing Bull has returned."
"Wow, I think the rest of the field is competing for second place now."
"Huayna takes Sardis, but then HE PEACES OUT."
"That's a give up move. He would have easily run over Darius, but Huayna just could not be bothered. The fans have given up too - the stands are emptying rapidly. I don't think Huayna is winning this game!"
"Especially after Sitting Bull stands up once again, once again being the heartbreaker of home team fans, LAUNCHING AN ATTACK ON THE INCAS!"
"You know, Sitting Bull is technically doing the Willem gambit, but it doesn't matter - the Sioux have Factories and a million more units. It's going to be the slow demise of Huayna Capac, barring a miracle."
"He's gone Rifles and Cannons anyway, it's over.
"But the Americans fall much faster, Toku killing FDR and Justin killing Lincoln. Looks like a good time for a commercial break!"
(Trailer for Everyone Hates Tokugawa, and He Hates Everyone Too: Truly the Last Samurai)
"NOOO, NOT HATTY!"
"Tokugawa does not care for any love story, Bob. He is going to rip Justin's one shot at true love for once and for all! Thebes and Memphis fall instantly, and Hatty is not for long here."
"JUSTIN SWOOPS IN LIKE PRINCE CHARMING ON A PURPLE HORSE, RESCUING HIS DAMSEL IN DISTRESS!"
"Ladies, when in doubt, find yourself a Purple Justinian."
"It doesn't get better than this for a second place showdown - it's numbers vs. tech. Tokugawa has over 500 units, while Justin's much smaller army is FAR more technologically advanced. This will be interesting to watch."
Meanwhile, Tiwanaku, the Confucian Holy City falls to Sitting Bull, and now Huayna's chances of getting out of this game are patently zero."
"Thebes and Memphis are back in Byzantine hands, like they should have been 250 turns ago."
"Justin does have one slight issue, Bob. He's avoiding Assembly Line, which is both an issue production and tech wise. Toku's standing army of Rifles and Cavs has over 200 units, and without Infantry he's going to make little progress against such a major numerical advantage.. In fact, BOTH wars are slowing down! It's a matter of if, not when, Sitting Bull runs over Huayna, but the Incas are putting up a spirited defense."
"In such situations, TANKS serve as the breakthrough units, and the moment Sitting Bull researched Industrialism, his pace of conquest got MUCH faster. Huayna dies, and Sitting Bull has effectively claimed the victory."
"Wow, Huayna has really struggled lately. We'll have to see in Alternate Histories what happens, but the limelight has been too bright for him. I wonder if he's even a Pool 1 leader next season."
"Sitting Bull might end up playing kingmaker for second place, Joe, he does not feel too fondly of either leader."
"Any chance for a non-Eastern second place finisher?"
"Surely, you must be joking, Joe. At this point I just wish Mike went into the Worldbuilder and deleted the non top 3 from this game."
"For Tokugawa supporters, it's unfortunate news. The Byzantine Tanks are on the scene, and if Sitting Bull continues to sit down, the Tanks are going to become the difference maker. In fact, Toku's standing army finally gets obliterated, everybody hates the Japanese anyways, and Justin now is pushing through Toku's massive empire. Tokugawa is taking ten turns to research Combustion and completely lacks other techs like Education and Military Tradition, in theory it would be Turn 500 and he would still not have Assembly Line."
"Well, just sit back and enjoy the carnage. Justin also has helicopters racing through the scene, which should quicken the Japanese campaign considering Toku still has Knights."
"Sitting Bull ends any anti-Egyptian aggression through the UN, I think Hatty's survival is confirmed, and she can continue to sip mimosas with Justin."
"The only question now is, will Toku survive? He has so many cities, Sitting Bull might reach Alpha Centauri before Toku dies."
"Wow, Sitting Bull got VERY close to a Diplomatic victory!"
"With how much Justin's conquests inevitably starve, that was the one hope for a Diplo victory, as Sitting Bull now has too much population to call for another victory vote."
"The nukes are flying! And the rest of the world hates Toku so much, they could care less about the nuclear destruction of the Japanese."
"Ok Fredo, everybody loves you, you don't need to do a three way defensive pact to cement that."
"Eight turns left, and Justin needs to take at least one city per turn alongside two cities in one turn."
"I think he's nuking his own army too hard to get the kill."
"Oh my god, Justin really is head over heels in love. HE'S LIBERATED THEBES AND MEMPHIS BACK TO THE EGYPTIANS!"
"THE GOLDEN RETRIEVER JOINS THE ACTION, running to random Japanese cities while defecating on every 'NO DOGS ALLOWED' sign he can find."
"Good boy, Fredo! And it's official: Sitting Bull and Justinian are advancing to the playoffs! As the winner, Sitting Bull will become a very nice guard dog for Gandhi in Playoff 3, while Justinian will be joining the Victoria Feeding Frenzy in Playoff 2. Tokugawa survives with one city left!"
"Fredo and Darius get the most pathetic third and fourth places of all time, and Egypt somehow remains intact, mainly due to Byzantine goodwill. I gotta say, the difference this game had to have been Justin failing to capture Memphis. If he does so, he easily absorbs Hatty and then becomes a technological runaway. Instead, he was a bit more confined to his corner, and just did not have as high a quality of a second empire as Sitting Bull did, and that was that."
"Still, a well played game from the top two, who have some nice spots waiting for them in the Playoffs. Meanwhile, Bob, Tokugawa gave it his best shot, but he just has significant diplomatic issues that cripple him. His economy was really really bad despite his size, and one has to wonder how much it would have helped if Toku had Open Borders trade connections with his rivals. It's hard to win in AI Survivor without friends."
"It was certainly more of a game effort than any of these high peaceweight NPCs gave."
"Here is Dianna with the contest updates!"
"Thanks, Bob. This was a strong performance from the picking contest overall, with a nearly 11 point average - not bad considering the size of the field. Congratulations to Greeny, who won this week with 23 points. It looks like there is blatant evidence that Huayna Capac bet on himself to win, and although he also got 23 points in the prediction contest, it's not a good look for the Inca leader. In the overall tournament, due to a bad week from Smart Random.org, Kuro has taken the top spot, although Sir Coleville of the Dale, Thrasybulos, and Fippy are not very far behind."
"Good analysis, Dianna. From a Fantasy standpoint, LinkMarioSamus is officially back into contention, and while he probably needs Gilgamesh to carry the rest of his season, everybody knows how strong the Sumerian leader is. This was also an excellent result for ABC170, who has four leaders in the playoffs - the most of anyone - and most importantly, three of those four leaders won their opening round games. Sadly, Maniamuse and Kjotleik can effectively be considered to be eliminated from the Fantasy contest, and it's going to be an uphill battle for Lobster667 after her Darius bid fell completely flat. Meanwhile, here are our updated Fantasy odds, according to Vegas!"
ABC170: 1.5:1
Vincarius: 2.5:1
Kuro: 8:1
LinkMarioSamus: 15:1
Lobster667: 20:1
Jol Nar Binks: 30:1
Maniamuse: 100:1
Kjotleik: 500:1
"This is Joe and Bob at AI-SPN! One week from now, back at the normal starting time of 12 PM EST, we will see our first Playoff game! It looks like a fishing fiesta, with four coastal starts, alongside a balanced mix of low, mid, and high peaceweights."
"You know, Sitting Bull was one turn from piling onto the Japanese."
"He really was Charging Bull in this game."
"I REALLY need a drink after that."
